Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
