She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
