my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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