did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
