I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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