I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
