just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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