FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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