Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
