I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
