In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
