Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
