my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
