Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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