You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
