I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
