Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
