I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
