nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
