It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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