he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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