I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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