I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
