I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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