You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
