allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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