Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
