I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I AM VODKA MAN
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
