i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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