I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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