You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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