she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
