So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
