Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
my god I love twenty year old dicks
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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