remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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