Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
