remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Randomize
