no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
