He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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