I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
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All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old