i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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