I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
