The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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