the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
