Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I am available for nakedness
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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