Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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