Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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