dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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