I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
