We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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