You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
