I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
