drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
