it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I need water and some morals
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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