He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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