I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
