Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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