I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
